


to be lost

by electriceell



Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-30
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-09-20 19:35:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9509423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/electriceell/pseuds/electriceell
Summary: Matt and Foggy fall into fucking much like they fall into their friendship: wholeheartedly and with little preamble. It’s after everything has come so close to perfect only to be blown to pieces to be rebuilt and detonated again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, i'm terrible, bye.

Matt and Foggy fall into fucking much like they fall into their friendship: wholeheartedly and with little preamble. It’s after everything has come so close to perfect only to be blown to pieces to be rebuilt and detonated again. It’s after Foggy has sworn off of Matt Murdock and Daredevil that he stumbles upon Matt Murdock crying and broken on the subway.

It’s late, when Foggy runs into Matt that first time. He’s headed back home, to the apartment he can’t leave even if he can afford an upgrade, and there, in the corner of the car, is Matt. Tears are streaming down his face, but he’s clearly trying to hide it by remaining ominously still. Against all of his better instincts, Foggy crosses the nearly empty car to sit down across from Matt, who startles, tilts his head like a dog catching a scent, and then lets out a broken ‘Foggy’.

And Foggy knows something has to be wrong because he has never known Matt to be surprised by someone’s approach. He does a quick scan of Matt, trying to see if there were any visible injuries. A few fading bruises on his jaw, cuts and abrasions on his knuckles, and a thin trail of blood coming from his ear. He puts two and two together and gets a rather frightening four. 

Foggy puts a hand on Matt’s knee and says, quietly, ‘Can you hear me, buddy,’ hoping that even if he Matt can’t here, he can at least feel the vibrations or something and know that Foggy is talking.

Matt shakes his head, apparently realizing that Foggy is trying to talk to him, and gestures vaguely towards his bloody ear before returning his hand to worrying the top of his cane.

Without sight or hearing, Foggy is at a loss as to how to communicate with Matt, so he just shifts around so he’s sitting next to him and pulls him into his side. And despite all of the hurt from the last two years, for the first time, Foggy thinks maybe the wounds can heal because this, having Matt tucked into his side, this feels like coming home.

When they get to Matt’s stop, Foggy leads him off the train, and up to the street to catch a cab. As much as Foggy thought he was used to leading Matt, he realizes he doesn’t know how to lead someone who actually needs him and he doesn’t want to risk hurting Matt further than he’s already hurt. _What injuries are hiding beneath his suit?_ Foggy can’t help thinking.

Back in Matt’s apartment, the stupid fucking billboard casting the whole room a shade of blue, Matt speaks for the first time since the subway.

“Thanks Foggy… I… I’m sorry you had to… had to take care of me… again. You should, um, you should go home and, uh… just thanks.” Matt shifts uncomfortably, cane still in his white-knuckling hands. 

Anger flashes through Foggy, briefly, before he takes Matt’s hand a places it on his cheek, so he can feel him shaking his head. He leads Matt to the bathroom, where he cleans up the blood on his face. Foggy finds the softest sweats and t-shirt Matt has, which turns out to be things he stole from Foggy in undergrad. He doesn’t expect it, but the nostalgia hits him in a wave and brings tears to his eyes.

Foggy brings the pajamas into the bathroom and Matt must smell Foggy’s tears because he reaches out and wipes the tears from Foggy’s eyes. Then he takes the sweats and t-shirt and starts to get changed.

When Matt’s ready for bed, Foggy finds himself tucking him in and guiding Matt’s hand to feel the aspirin and glass of water water he’s placed by his bed. As he goes to leave the room, Matt grabs his hand and holds him back, patting the bed beside him with a soft ‘please?’. And really, when has Foggy ever been able to say no to Matt?

So Foggy climbs into Matt’s bed, pulls him close and holds him, something they haven’t done since college. Foggy falls asleep to the Matt’s soft, even breathing.

* * *

 

Matt wakes up and he can hear Foggy’s snuffling breath and strong, good, sleepy heartbeat. Tears spring into his eyes. He can hear again. And he gets to hear Foggy sleeping next to him, sounding healthy and safe and maybe even happy? Matt shifts slightly just to feel Foggy pull him in close and feels a little guilty for enjoying this so much. It’s his fault Foggy is gone. He made that choice and he doesn’t get to pull Foggy back into his orbit of blood and danger and death. 

At that thought, Matt extricates himself from Foggy’s grasp and quickly changes into gym clothes. No one will be at Fogwell’s right now and he needs to go get whatever this is out of his system. It’s not punishment, per se, but penance. He needs to push his muscles beyond their limit, make himself hurt to somehow cleanse himself, let this demon who hurts Foggy out of his body. If he hits the bag enough, maybe, just maybe, he won’t be so God damn weak next time…

Matt types out a note to Foggy on his laptop and leaves it open, writes a much shorter note telling Foggy to check the computer, and heads out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i've had a post-it on my desktop that says 'unused safewords' on my desktop for like months. so that's where this is going.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pissed off Foggy! Matt punching out his feelings! Sex!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Full disclosure:  
> 1) This is the first non-het smut(ish) I've ever written  
> 2) It's not super edited because I didn't want to chicken out and not post it

Foggy wakes up on sheets that are too damn slippery with a fucking sticky note stuck to his head. He peels it off and reads, in Matt’s shaky hand, ‘check the computer’.

 

So Foggy stumbles out of Matt’s bed, (not something he ever thought would be happening to him) over to where Matt’s laptop sits open on his rickity coffee table. The note that Matt has left features old favorites like “you’re better off without me” and “no more friends” and “keeping you safe” and Foggy fucking kicks over Matt’s couch because how could Matt be so fucking stupid? Does he really fucking think Foggy brought him home, took care of him, fucking slept in the same bed as him out of guilt or some shit? Does he think that Foggy is oblivious to the dangers Matt subjects himself to or that he can’t make that kind of decision on his own? Is that really all Matt thought of him, that he’s too stupid or childish to understand?

 

Storming out of Matt’s apartment, Foggy’s fucking pissed. He knows full well that, given its daytime, the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen is punching his pain away at his dad’s old gym. Foggy knows the way there like the back of his hand. How many times has he stormed there to have it out with Matt before chickening out and returning to his apartment, tail between his legs?

 

When Foggy gets to Fogwell’s he’s a little out of breathe and he can feel the flush in his cheeks from the anger that has not subsided in the least. Matt must know that Foggy is there, his heartbeat or anger sweat or heavy breathing giving him away, but Matt keeps on pounding the punching bag, as if he were alone.

 

In hindsight, Foggy doesn’t really know what part of him decided this was a good idea, but seeing Matt just keep on punching the bag, as if Foggy’s not there or not even worth acknowledging, makes something in him snap. So he walks up to Matt, grabs his shoulder and roughly turns him around before taking a swing at him. Matt, of course, blocks the punch and steps back. And so Foggy takes another swing. And another. And Matt just keeps deflecting the punches, not stopping Foggy or hitting Foggy, just deflecting.

 

As he keeps swinging Foggy puffs out, “You stupid fucking asshole,” each word punctuated with a punch. “How can you still treat me like this, after everything?” Upper cut, right hook, right hook, all deflected. “I’m not some breakable porcelain doll you need to protect.” Foggy knows there’s no finesse or skill in the punches he’s throwing and yet he keeps going. “And I’m not some little bitch who you get to make decisions for!”

 

Foggy’s knuckles make contact with Matt’s cheekbone, where Matt grabs his wrist and pulls him close and crushes their mouths together. And somehow, despite where they are and the anger that hangs thick in the air, the kiss is all sweetness and gentle finesse. The hand not locked around Foggy’s wrist winds into his hair, gently running through it and finding its home at the base of Foggy’s skull. Everything about this kiss is what Foggy definitely didn’t left himself fantasize about in college… except for the searing pain in his hand.

 

“Fuck, Matt,” Foggy starts, pushing Matt away gently.

 

“Oh shit, oh God, I’m so sorry Foggy… I… I was out of line. I’m sorry… I’ll…” and Matt’s backing away from Foggy (and the door), looking ready to backflip through glass to get out of the situation.

 

“Matt, dude, calm down. It’s my hand…” Foggy holds it up, assuming Matt can sense its hurt-ness by heat or smell or something.

 

“Oh…” Matt sidles back towards Foggy, taking Foggy’s injured hand in both of his. He runs his fingers ever so lightly over the knuckles before pressing a feather-light kiss to each finger.

 

“Nothings broken,” Matt murmurs and Foggy hears, underneath the words, the sound of Matt blaming himself. “We just need to get some ice on it so it doesn’t swell up too much.” He produces an instant ice pack from his gym bag and adds, “Claire made me start carrying them” in response to Foggy’s questioning noise.

 

Matt applies the compress in silence, seemingly focused entirely on what he’s doing. With the cold from the ice pack seeping into his joints and making his hand begin to feel numb, Foggy turns his attention back to Matt, placing his left hand under Matt’s chin to get his attention. He supposes it’s a sighted impulse, to want to make eye contact, but Matt lets Foggy guide his head.

 

“It’s not your fault, buddy,” Foggy says and realizes it sounds like he’s talking about more than just their situation at present. “I mean, my hand. I punched you. It is not your beautiful chiseled jaw’s fault. But Matt. The pushing me away was your fault. How many times can I tell you that you can’t make sweeping decisions, I’m not okay with that, even if you have the best, most Catholic-guilt laden intentions.”

 

“My intentions weren’t even good, Foggy.” A strained smile pulls tight at the edges of Matt’s lips. “I was selfish. I just wanted to cut and run before you got the chance to leave me. Thought I could protect myself from the pain…”

 

Matt expression is so full of misery that Foggy can’t think to do anything but kiss away. Surging into Matt, Foggy pushed into the kiss with more passion than the last. He pulls Matt’s lower lip into his mouth and is rewarded with a low moan and a gentle tug on his hair. Matt’s mouth finds Foggy’s pulse point, gently nipping his neck and then soothing it with kisses, before Matt’s working his way back up across Foggy’s jaw, never letting his lips leave Foggy’s skin for too long. As Matt licks into Foggy’s mouth, Foggy lets his hands wander to _That Ass_. (Because Matt’s ass definitely deserves capitals and italics and, to be honest, probably a few exclamation points). There’s a little part of Foggy that’s worried he’s pushed it too far, Matt just melts into Foggy, licking into his mouth while backing Foggy up against a wall.

 

If Foggy had any self-control he would pump the breaks on this; this being him and Matt making out and grinding up against a wall like teenagers at prom. At Fogwell’s gym no less. But, really, does Foggy look capable of making good decision?

 

So instead of stopping this (or even suggesting a move to anywhere but here), Foggy plows ahead, gets Matt’s sweaty t-shirt off and running his hands over those amazing abs, rolls a finger across Matt’s nipple, enjoying the breathy noise it elicits. And Matt. Matt’s got his hands everywhere: under Foggy’s shirt smoothing over the expanse of his back and in his hair and on his ass and unbuttoning Foggy’s jeans before neatly dropping to his knees to mouth at Foggy through his boxers.

 

“Holy shit, Matt,” Foggy manages to get out before Matt has Foggy’s dick out and in his mouth and Foggy definitely can’t form coherent thoughts, let alone speak. Matt licks experimentally at Foggy’s slit, before slowly swallows more and more of Foggy down, pressing the flat of his tongue against the underside of Foggy cock every few upstrokes. Foggy finds himself wondering if Matt’s ever done this before or if he has a God-given talent for sucking dick. Which makes Foggy laugh to himself before cutting himself off with a moan when Matt takes Foggy into the back of his throat. And then Matt starts gagging and makes a face and tries to keep going. Because he’s Matt fucking Murdock and he even has to be a masochist when it comes to sucking dick.

 

“Come here, Matty,” Foggy murmurs, pulling gently on Matt’s hair to bring him back up to standing. Matt’s got his head tilted and is making his kicked puppy face, so Foggy adds, “Dude, you’re a champ at that, 10 out of 10 would do again, but sex is really better if no one is choking. Unless they have planning on being choked. And all precautions have been put in place. And… I’m rambling. Just put your mouth on my mouth Murdock.”

 

Foggy is rewarded with a smiling and laughing Matt Mudock pushing into a kiss. It starts light until Matt finds out that Foggy really likes it when Matt bites his lip and then sooths it over with his tongue and Foggy finally gets his hands on Matt’s dick.

 

Matt gasps into Foggy’s mouth and bucks slightly into his hand as Foggy experimentally wraps fingers loosely around Matt and pumps, wetting his fingers with Matt’s pre cum. When Foggy tightens his grip, Matt rolls his hips forward, pressing into Foggy slightly, lining their erections up. Foggy gasps at the smooth heat of Matt against him. Pressing up against Matt’s weight, Foggy works his hand around both of them, jerking them both off with little finesse. Matt didn’t seem to mind, pressing messy kisses along Foggy’s jaw, at the corner of his mouth, and panting softly against his neck.

 

The feeling of being overwhelmed by everything Matt, Foggy’s sure he’s going to come when Matt stiffens and comes all over both them, shouting Foggy’s name. Hearing Matt come puts Foggy over the edge, adding his come to the sticky mess all over his hand and their stomachs.

 

Matt’s still leaning into Foggy, his head tucked into the crook for Foggy’s neck, his hip bones probably leaving bruises on Foggy’s (not that he cares), when they both catch their breath and start to come down from their post-coital bliss.

 

“Wow” is all Matt says and Foggy laughs and ruffles his hair.

 

“Yea, well put Matt. Definitely wow.” Foggy reaches to the ground to wipe the come on his hand off on his shirt when he remembers he only has the clothes he came in.

 

“Not that I don’t enjoy this weird wall cuddling and whatnot, but I think we should maybe take care of this,” Foggy gestures awkwardly towards the mess of come cooling on them, “sooner rather than later? Then we can return to cuddling, possibly even on a horizontal surface.”

 

“Yea, definitely.” Matt’s laugh sounds light and unburdened in a way Foggy hasn’t heard in years.

 

Lacing their fingers together, Matt leads Foggy towards the locker room at Fogwell’s to clean up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me writing this: HOW MANY TIMES IS TOO MANY TIMES TO USE THE WORD DICK????? IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR COME BESIDES ~EJACULATE~??? DOES THAT SOUND TOO MEDICAL? WHAT'S HAPPENING?????? SEND HELP?????!?!?
> 
> I couldn't get where I wanted to go in a chapter and at this point idk I how long this thing is going to be. I'm thinking one more chapter but I'm not entirely sure. But we're still headed towards 'unused safe words'. So that.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: this goes from sexytimes to upset/angry times really quickly because Matt fucking Murdock. (and here is the promised 'not using safe words')
> 
> Full disclosure: I basically didn't edit this because I triggered myself but also wanted to post it. So... here it is. I apologize for any and all typos, weird sentences, and things that generally don't make sense.

So they fall into fucking much like they fell into their friendship. They fuck everywhere. Matt’s apartment, up against those picture windows and in Foggy’s postage stamp sized kitchen with Matt bent over the counter. They fuck all the time until Foggy walks in on Matt bleeding out _again_ and he screams at Matt once Claire has stitched him back up.

 

And Foggy knows he’s crossed a line because, Lord knows, he is aware of how dangerous Matt’s ‘second job’ is and he thought he was okay with it. But he isn’t so okay with it when the man he loves is quietly bleeding out in his apartment.

 

The next day Foggy apologizes and Matt cries and says he doesn’t want to hurt Foggy, but they both know he won’t stop, he can’t stop being Daredevil. So Foggy knows he has to come to terms with it or go and he’ll choose the former every damn time.

 

Despite the complications and the pain and the bleeding, things are so damn good. Matt’s more open and Foggy is learning to live with Daredevil (and learning first aid at break-neck speed). After all the years of looking but not touching, Foggy finally has Matt and Matt, Foggy.

 

It starts one night when they’re lazily making out on Matt’s couch. Matt’s staying in because two of his floating ribs are broken and Claire has given a mandatory two-day rest “if he doesn’t want to puncture his lungs and suffocate to death because she’s tired of his shit”.

 

Matt has Foggy pinned on his back and is doing his best to mark up Foggy’s neck, partially because he likes marking Foggy has _his_ but also because it’s hilarious to watch Foggy try to cover it up in front of Karen (who, of course, sees right though it every damn time). Normally, Foggy’s response to this would be to poke Matt in the side, which would make Matt giggle and they would laugh and wrestle and go back to fooling around. But, since Matt has broken ribs galore, Foggy decides to pull Matt’s hair to get him to stop. Laughing, Foggy tells Matt to cut it out and winds his way into Matt’s messy hair and pulls. He expects Matt to laugh and bat at him, but instead, Matt lets out a long moan, which is quickly followed by a Matt going wide-eyed and flushing an adorable shade of pink. There’s a pregnant pause and Matt looks like a deer in headlights.

 

“So… that’s a thing for you?” Foggy asks because someone has to say something and God damn it, it’s always going to be him.

 

“I…” Matt starts, “I think so? I mean, with Elektra, kind of, but…” Matt’s flush is approaching a deep crimson as he trails off.

 

“Well, would it be something that you would, you know, want to try… with me? Because that is definitely something we could try.” Foggy’s not really had any experience with this stuff, but trying it out with Matt is certainly an appealing idea.

 

Matt flashes Foggy a toothy grin before pulling Foggy into a deep kiss.

 

“Mmmf — okay, but not right now,” Matt makes a sad noise and Foggy continues, “because we need to talk about shit and do it right and I’m way too horny right now to stop and discuss this to the extent it needs to be disc— _Matt_.”

 

Matt cuts Foggy off with a long kiss and a rolls his hips down, letting Foggy feel just how turned on he is too. Foggy chuckles into Matt’s mouth and enjoys himself. They can discuss things tomorrow.

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning they’re sitting at Matt’s table in just their boxers, sipping coffee in amicable silence when Foggy decides to broach the subject.

 

“So, we should talk about the whole hair-pulling thing if you want to try it out. We need to lay out what exactly it is that you’re in to and like how we do this correctly and safe words and all that good stuff.”

 

Matt quirks and eyebrow at Foggy, but answers, saying, “I like to hurt sometimes.”

 

“Understatement of the year,” Foggy mumbles and Matt does his equivalent of glaring.

 

“I haven’t really done this with someone but I think I’d like to be, you know, hit and, um, called names?” Matt ends the statement like it’s a question, probably worried that it’s too much for Foggy’s delicate sensibilities.

 

“Is that a questions or a statement, Murdock? I’m 100% enthusiastic, totally into doing this with you, but I need to know what’s good and what isn’t.”

 

“Yea, um, name calling is good and, like, telling me what to do and spanking and, well, pulling my hair.” Matt dick twitches at the thought. “Want to try it now?” Matt asks hopefully.

 

“Oh fuck yes. But safe words!” Foggy manages as Matt climbs into his lap, hand finding Foggy half-hard in his boxers. “Um, so, light system, Matty? Green is go, yellow is pause, red is stop? Okay?” Matt nods against Foggy’s neck. “Dude, verbal communication!”

 

“Green,” Matt huffs out, before nipping at Foggy’s lower lip and insinuating a hand into his boxers.

 

“You’re such a slut.” Foggy tries and Matt moans into his mouth. “Yea, you really like that, don’t you?” When Matt doesn’t respond Foggy yanks him back by his hair, eliciting a gasp from Matt. “I asked you a question,” Foggy uses his most commanding courtroom voice and goddam Matt looks so hot panting and flushed.

 

“Yea. Yes, sir,” Matt says breathily and holy shit Foggy did not know this was A Thing for him, but maybe everything with Matt is A Thing.

 

“Good. Now go bend over the arm of the couch.” Foggy gently shoves Matt in the right direction and takes a moment to catch his breathe and enjoy the view as Matt strips out of his boxers and lays himself across the arm of his couch, head resting in the circle of his arms.

 

Foggy takes his time, letting Matt squirm before walking over and squeezing Matt’s ass. He swats it gently, relatively confident that it’s no where near how hard Matt wants it. Because he’s Matt fucking Murdock and he does everything 150%.

 

“Matty?” Foggy says and gets a hum in response. “Light?”

 

“Green.” Matt turns his head to level a sweet smile at Foggy. “I’m ready, Fogs.”

 

“Alright. I’m going to spank you ten times. Be a good little bitch and count them out for me.”

 

Foggy winds up and hits Matt with as much force as he’s comfortable with, but Matt groans and pants out, ‘one”.

 

“Is that good, Matty, or do you want it harder?”

 

“Fog, I need you to not coddle me, just give it to me as hard as you can. I can take it. I want to take it.”

 

“Okay, but I think we’re going to have to make it fifteen since you got so mouthy with me, you little slut.” The words still feel weird in Foggy’s mouth, but Matt is so clearly into it, dick curving up against the couch, that Foggy likes it, knows he can get used to it.

 

He winds up and hits Matt with as much force as he can muster, the crack of skin on skin ringing out through the apartment along with Matt’s drawn out moan of ‘two’. Taking that as encouragement, Foggy continues, alternating cheeks until Matt’s ass is red and probably going to bruise. After Matt chokes out ‘fifteen,’ Foggy turns him around and kisses Matt, licking into his mouth and swallowing the adorable little noises he makes.

 

“Light, Matty?”

 

“Very green, Fogs.”

 

“Good, then I want you to be a good little bitch and go get on your hands and knees on your bed and wait for me.”

 

Foggy steals a gentle kiss before smacking Matt on the ass and watching him make his way into his bedroom. Before going in to join him, Foggy checks that Matt has ice in his freezer. Foggy’s no expert, but he imagines Matt might be better off if he ices his ass after. He finds the bag of frozen peas that has been a makeshift ice pack before. Satisfied, Foggy goes to Matt’s bedroom where Matt’s waiting on his hand and knees with one hand around his dick.

 

“Did I say you could touch yourself?”

 

“You didn’t say I couldn’t,” Matt shoots back, continuing to slowly jerk himself off.

 

“I see how it is. If you’re going to talk back, maybe I should gag you?” Foggy ends his statement like a real questions, not a rhetorical one and Matt just shakes his head before adding, “everything tastes like something.”

 

“Fair,” Foggy says, nodding amicably, before climbing up behind Matt, grabbing his hand off his dick and pinning it to the bed. “I believe I told you to get on your hands and knees and wait, not get comfortable and start getting yourself off.” Foggy bites at Matt’s neck, not hard enough to break skin, but enough to leave a mark.

 

“Sorry,” Matt breathes out.

 

“Now stay there and be good,” Foggy says as he climbs off the bed to collect lube and condoms from the bedside table. Without waiting for the lube to warm, Foggy presses one finger quickly into Matt, startling a gasp out of him.

 

“Green,” Matt moans, without prompting.

 

Foggy fucks Matt hard with his fingers. Working quickly up from one to two to three fingers enjoying the way Matt squirms and begs for more. Foggy teases Matt’s hole with his pinky and Matt keens.

 

“That’s right, beg for it like a whore.”

 

“Please, Foggy, please,” Matt moans out.

 

“Please what?” Foggy says and stops moving, holding Matt’s hips still with one hand as he tries to fuck himself back on Foggy’s fingers.

 

“Please, please fuck me.” Matt whines and Foggy almost comes from having Matt all strung out and flushed and begging for his dick.

 

“Since you asked so nice,” Foggy mumbles as he rolls on a condom and lines himself up and pushes into Matt.

 

“God, you take me so well Matty, you’re such a slut for me.” Foggy punctuates his sentence with a sharp thrust.

 

“Yea,” Matt grunts, “yea, for you Foggy.”

 

With a hand in between Matt’s shoulders, Foggy pushes him down and fucks into him hard, reveling in the gasping noises Matt is making.

 

Foggy runs his index finger over Matt’s lips and Matt flicks out his tongue to swirl around Foggy’s fingers before Foggy pushes them into Matt’s mouth.

 

“That’s right, take me at both ends, you little pussy.”

 

Foggy continues to fuck Matt hard and slow, each thrust pushing his fingers further into Matt’s mouth and pulling little grunts out of Matt. When his fingers are good and wet, Foggy takes them out of Matt’s mouth and bring them down to circle around Matt’s sorely neglected dick, which he finds limp. He figures Matt’s already come and somehow managed it quietly, it’s Matt, anything is possible. He starts to speed up his thrusts chasing his own orgasm when he realizes there’s no come on the bed or Matt, which is when he realizes…

 

“Holy fuck, Matt,” Foggy shouts, pulling out and scrambling as far from Matt as possible.

 

“What?” Matt’s pushed himself into a sitting position. He has his head cocked and sounds genuinely confused.

 

“You’re not hard, you aren’t into this anymore, why the fuck didn’t you stop me?” Foggy’s getting hysterical and he’s trying to ignore the tears that are threatening to start.

 

“I don’t know. You were enjoying yourself, so I figured I’d just let you finish. It’s no big deal,” Matt says with a shrug, eyes darting around and giving away his discomfort.

 

“Matt,” Foggy’s voice shakes and he hates it, “I just had sex with you while you weren’t into it, while you weren’t consenting. You’re a fucking lawyer, you tell me what the big deal is.”

 

“You’re making it sound like you raped me, but I consented and I was into it until I wasn’t but I decided to let you finish. My decision. I don’t understand why you’re freaking out.”

 

“I just…” Tears and spilling down Foggy’s face and Matt can taste their saltiness in the air, “I need to go, Matt. I just need to clear my head.” Foggy grabs his sweats and t-shirt from where they were dropped last night, shoving on his shoes and rushing out the door without his phone or keys.

 

Matt focuses and listens to Foggy rush down the stairs, skipping the last three and rushing out onto the sidewalk. He’s really crying now. And talking to himself. Something about ‘why’ and ‘how could I’, which is about when he gets out of Matt’s hearing range.

 

So, Matt moves into his living room and tries to meditate. Tries to push Foggy’s anger, Foggy’s sadness out of his mind, tries to wait patiently and not think about Stick calling him a pussy. He tries to make his mind go blank instead of fixating on how he was too communicative and that made Stick leave and now he was being good, being quiet and pliable and now Foggy was upset and Foggy was leaving. Because everyone leaves.

 

Giving up on meditating, Matt sits on the floor and waits. It hurts, his ass really hurts and he’s losing feeling in his feet, but that’s punishment for hurting Foggy. And Foggy has to come back. He needs his keys and phone, right? He can’t possibly just avoid Matt. He has to come back. And then Matt can show him how good he can be. He’ll tell Foggy next time. He’ll be good for Foggy. He just needs to convince Foggy to give him another chance. God, what would this be, his third, or was it fourth, chance? Foggy should really stop letting Matt hurt him. Matt should let him go, but he knows he’s too selfish for that. Too needy.

 

Matt doesn’t know how much time has passed when he hears Foggy waiting outside his door. He’s spent the last minutes? hours? he's not sure remember all the ways he failed Stick. The ways he wasn’t pliant enough. And the ways he’s failed Foggy by being too secret, too separate. Did Foggy knock? Was Matt so lost in thought that he missed that?

 

He goes to stand up, but his legs and feet are numb from sitting cross-legged for so long that he immediately falls back over.

 

“Matty?” Foggy calls from outside the door, before letting himself in the unlocked door and rushing over to where Matt is pushing himself back up to sitting. “Matty, are you okay?”

 

“I’m so sorry, Foggy. I didn’t mean to upset you or make you angry… I mean, I just… I’m sorry.” He drops his head on Foggy’s shoulder and hopes his apology is enough. Matt can hear his own heartbeat so clearly, he wonders if Foggy can hear it to. It beats _don’t leave, don’t leave, don’t leave._

 

“Look Matt, I wasn’t… I didn’t leave because I was angry or upset with you. I was angry and upset with myself. I can’t believe I didn’t… It doesn’t matter. I mean, yes, you should have safe worded out if I did something wrong, but I should have checked in. I was in power and I didn’t take care of you and I fucked up, Matt and I’m so sorry.” Foggy’s tearing up again and so Matt pushes a chaste kiss against his lips before resting their foreheads together.

 

“Let’s move somewhere less painful,” Foggy suggests after they’ve both calmed down a bit. Once they’re relocated to the couch and Foggy has Matt’s back pressed against his chest he asks, “Do you want to talk about what happened? What did I do wrong, Matty?”

 

“Later,” Matt sighs, “I just want to stay here like this for a little.”

 

Later Matt will explain more about Stick. More about why the word pussy makes him remember things he’d rather forget. More about where he learned compliance was more important than his comfort, his happiness, his anything. But for now, he wants to just sit here and feeling Foggy breathing against him and listen to the calming sound of Foggy’s heartbeat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me :) 
> 
> This is probably the end of this fic, but lord knows, I may be gripped by the desire to continue it in like months.
> 
> I am, as always, flailing [ tumblr](http://electriceell.tumblr.com/)


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